A Little Helpful Advice
by musiksnob
Summary: When Clare has some questions about sex, she turns to an unlikely source - Holly J Sinclair. But will Clare be able to take her advice?  Not femslash. Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Two stories in one day? Yeah I'm just as surprised as you are. Consider it my Christmas present to you. This one is a lot less depressing or sweet than the last few I've posted, and the next chapter or two will definitely verge on naughty.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob**

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Eli walked out of the bathroom in Fiona's loft, holding a wet paper towel to his forehead and looking worse than I had ever seen him.

"Woah, Eli, too much champers?" Fiona giggled.

He shook his head. "Food poisoning." He looked at me, his cheeks a nasty green color. "Can you get a cab home? I've got some cash if you need it. I want to get home right away."

"I've got my mom's car," Holly J said. "I can give Baby Edwards a ride home."

"And you'll cover for me?" Adam asked. "If my mom calls."

"Of course. I'll call you tomorrow, Clare. Fiona, have a great time in New York and good luck with college and everything," Eli said. He stopped in the kitchen to grab a plastic grocery bag before he left.

"That sucks that Eli's sick," Adam said. "Puts a damper on Fi's last night."

"Yeah, it does." Fiona latched onto Adam's neck, and he let out a murmur that I really wish I didn't have to hear.

"And that sounds like our cue to exit," Holly J said. "I've got some packing to do anyway."

Fiona tore herself away from Adam long enough to give Holly J a huge hug. "There's a train from Manhattan to New Haven. I expect that you'll be on it frequently," Holly J said.

Fiona laughed. "Like I'm really going to take the train. But I will be there, chauffeured limousine or not. I love you, Holly J."

I was surprised to see the usually stoic Holly J Sinclair wiping a tear from her eye. "I love you too, Fi."

I felt a little embarrassed intruding on their moment, and when they separated I gave Fiona a quick hug. We had gotten closer over the past few months that she had been dating Adam, and I was definitely going to miss her. "Email me when you get there. And keep in touch," I told her.

"Have fun," I winked at Adam as I followed Holly J out the door. Based on his grin, I had a feeling they were planning a nice last night together.

"Ugh, the two of them are so gross. I'm surprised they waited for us to leave before they started ripping each others' clothes off," Holly J said, as she unlocked her car and we climbed in. "Every time I try to talk to Fiona, she's always like, 'Gotta go, Adam's here,' or 'Holly J, you've never lived until you've gone down…" She stopped talking and glanced at me. "I'm sorry; I'm probably offending your virgin ears."

I laughed. I hadn't realized Adam and Fiona had gotten quite that far, but as far as I was concerned, it was good for him. I knew how many body issues he had before they had gotten together, and I was glad Fiona had helped him stop hiding himself, even if his physical experience didn't match up with his mental one.

Holly J turned the key in the ignition, but turned to look at me. "I'm surprised you're not saying a prayer for me. Or for them, for that matter"

"I'm glad she makes Adam so happy. I just wish she wasn't going away to college this year. It's going to crush him when she leaves."

"So it doesn't bother you that the two of them are probably screaming out God's name in vain right now?"

I knew Holly J was just trying to get a rise out of me. I didn't know her very well, but I knew she hadn't exactly gotten along with my sister, and the few times we had hung out in a group this summer, she was always teasing me. But Holly J wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind. "At least somebody's enjoying it," I muttered.

"Maybe if you'd let Eli past second base, you would enjoy it."

It was times like these that made me wish I had a girlfriend with some experience. Alli, for all her boy drama, had sex one awful time, and Fiona obviously had done stuff but since it was with Adam it wasn't exactly the same. Obviously asking Darcy for advice was out of the question.

"I'm the third house on the right." My voice cracked a little and I stared out the window.

She pulled up in front of my house and her expression softened. "Clare, is there something you want to talk about?"

That was the first time she hadn't referred to me as Baby Edwards or Saint Clare and for some reason that made me feel comfortable enough tell her my biggest secret.

"I had sex with Eli."

Her eyebrows raised. She shook her head a little, and turned off the ignition. "Wow, I wasn't expecting that." She waited for me to say something, but when I did, she asked, "So you didn't…enjoy it?"

"No, I did," I said quickly. "He was so sweet to me, and it only hurt a little the first time."

"The first time, eh? How long has this been going on?"

I blushed. "For about a month. Since my birthday."

She grabbed my left hand and peered at my ring. I ripped my hand from hers. "Are you ever going to take this thing off?"

"I don't want my parents to know," I said softly.

Holly J gave me a hard look. "You know, you don't have to be ashamed of having sex with your boyfriend. You're in love with him, right? And you were safe, I presume?"

I nodded. "I'm not ashamed." I said. "It's just my parents would never let me out of the house with him again, if they knew."

"Glad that's one thing I don't have to deal with." I looked at her in surprise. "I don't trade sex tips with my mother or anything but she let me spend the summer in New York with Declan. She didn't think we would spend all of our nights holding hands on the couch."

"That must be nice."

"Well, that's what you've got Holly J for." She poked me in the side. "Seriously, the idea of going back to my apartment and packing my life into boxes for the second time in a year kind of freaks me out, as does the fact that in three days, I'm going to Yale and have to deal with the fact that I'm not dating Declan even though we're living in the same dorm, and that Sav and I didn't exactly end things on the happiest note. Fixing your sex life sounds awesome to me right now."

Those felt like the most heartfelt words I had ever heard come out of Holly J's mouth. "I'd invite you in, but I don't want my mom to hear."

She laughed. "Car's fine, Clare." She turned the key so that the air conditioning and CD player came back on. She had an old Weezer album that Eli really liked on and the song 'Tired of Sex' came blaring out of her speakers, and we both cracked up. She turned the volume down.

"So what's the problem? Eli's so emo he prematurely ejaculates? You're too frigid from all the years of wearing a chastity belt to hit the big O?"

My eyes widened at her blunt words. "No!"

"You realize you're going to have to tell me what the problem is before I can give you advice right?"

She had a point. And me telling her was probably a lot better than her guessing every possible thing in such embarrassing ways.

"We've done it like…five different times. And it feels good, don't get me wrong. I like being with him like that. And he is really great, if I need him to go slow, he will, or if I want him to pick up the pace, he does."

"But?"

"But it's really…emotionally satisfying…but it hasn't quite crossed the line into physically satisfying. And I'm not really sure what we're doing wrong."

"I know you enjoy the same Fortnight fanfics that I do, but you know those stories aren't real, right? I mean, just because you're having sex doesn't mean you automatically get multiple screaming orgasms because the guy touched you."

"I know that…" I took a deep breath. "But maybe…one would be nice?"

Holly J took one look at my face and cracked up. "Oh, Clare Edwards, this conversation is your punishment for mocking me after you brought a vibrator to school."

"It wasn't mine!" I covered my face with my hands. I couldn't believe I was trying to have a serious conversation with Holly J about this.

"Sure it wasn't, sweetie. But that's not the issue here. Or I guess, it's related. Have you ever…?"

I cut her off, immediately. "No!"

"So you haven't had an orgasm?"

Oh. That's what she was asking. "Oh, no, I have."

"You're sure?"

I thought back to the last time Eli and I were at his house alone, before my birthday. "Oh yeah," I said, trying to keep my memories of that moment out of my voice.

Apparently I didn't do such a good job of keeping it off my face. "Gross, Clare. Keep it in your pants."

"Sorry," I said weakly.

"And what caused this miracle of modern science?"

"Eli."

Holly J sighed. "Doing?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "Either with his fingers or mouth or both."

"Okay, well I'm going to assume his mouth isn't going to be much use to you in this situation unless he is freakishly flexible, and if he's anything like my exes, his brain is too scattered during sex to make his fingers do much of anything."

Holly J was not really helping me feel any less frustrated. "So I just have to hope for a miracle? I mean, he's so excited that we're sleeping together that he's not exactly going all out with the foreplay anymore."

"Well that is something you should talk to him about. Because sex or no sex, foreplay is always fun and will probably make the sex itself better."

"I guess."

"I hate to break it to you, Saint Clare, but if you really want to have _la petit mort_ while Eli's banging your brains out, you're just going to have to take care of it yourself."

"You mean…?" As if this conversation wasn't embarrassing enough already.

"Yup."

I tried to wrap my head around doing that…especially in front of Eli.

"Isn't there some kind of position that we could try?"

"Well, girl on top is always fun, and doggystyle is a personal fave, but seriously, Clare, there's no magic answer. Some girls get off from sex alone, but most don't. Nothing to be ashamed of. You just need to figure out what works for you."

"I don't really know what works for me," I admitted.

"Should have practiced with the sex toy." Holly J glanced at the clock on the car dashboard. "Okay, it is officially time for me to go home and pack and for you to go practice." I made a face. "Go inside, and read some sexy fanfic and when you're really starting to feel it, just try it. If you really have to, wait until tomorrow and have some phone sex with Eli to get yourself in the mood. But you've got to get comfortable with yourself before you'll be able to do that with him."

I thought for a moment. I could do this. "Okay…Thanks, Holly J." I opened the door as she turned the car back on.

"And Clare?" she called through the lowering passenger side window. "It was nice chatting with you and all but no need to keep me updated on your progress." She drove away and I shook my head. Did that really happen?


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**This was the most difficult thing I've ever written and I apologize in advance if it's not that good. Though it's pretty dirty, so I'm sure most of you will like it regardless.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob**

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Chapter 2

I was too freaked out after my conversation with Holly J to even consider trying to…ugh…I couldn't even say it. I knew she was right and that if I wanted to change the way things were between Eli and me, I would have to take matters into my own hands, but I just wished it didn't have to come to that.

I don't know why the idea of it freaked me out so much. I thought about trying it after the vibrator incident, and even my own uptight mother told me it was something everyone did or at least tried, but back then I just wasn't that interested in sex. Back in my vampire craze, I used fanfic writing as an outlet for my pent up feelings.

The one time I had sort of tried it was after Eli and I first got together. He had convinced me to take a ride with him after school and we went to this out of the way park and we started kissing so intensely that I was the one who suggested we move to the back of Morty. It was the first time I ever let him take my shirt and bra off and he moved his mouth over every inch of available skin. I knew I was soaked and tingling but when he moved to undo my jeans, I panicked and stopped him. We hadn't been together very long and I didn't think I should be going that far with him.

We kissed for a while longer and it only made the frustration grow. When I got home, I decided to take a shower to calm down, but when I pulled my shirt off, I saw a mark that Eli had left on my cleavage. The sight of Eli's love bite and the memory of his lips sucking on my nipples and leaving a trail down to my belly button got me so hot again that I slipped my hand into my underwear. It was still wet and it was starting to feel nice, but I caught sight of my face in the bathroom mirror and was really embarrassed by how much I was enjoying it. I gave up and turned the shower on, using the cold water to drown out my sexy feelings

After that I decided that I wasn't going to let Eli get me that excited. Which obviously didn't work very well, so I switched to Plan B: let Eli take care of it for me.

The first time I let him touch me down there we were at his house, finishing up a major cleaning effort. He had just gotten rid of the first box that had things in it that reminded him of Julia – not important mementos in the grand scheme of things, but a piece of paper that had her handwriting on it and a bottle of pink nail polish her evil stepmother had given her. I was so proud of him that I wanted to make him feel good.

I launched myself on top of him, pressing every inch of my body to his as my tongue entered his mouth, stealing his breath. I pulled back after a few minutes to tear his shirt over his head and mine soon followed. I knew he wasn't going to do more on his own after being rejected the last time he tried, so I moved his hand to my inner thigh, underneath my uniform skirt.

His fingers caressed my soft skin, but he made no attempt to get any farther. "Eli," I whined. He raised his eyebrow a little and smirked but said nothing. "Please…"

"What do you want, Clare?" he whispered in the sexist voice imaginable.

I moaned and spread my legs a little further. "Please, Eli."

"Please, what, Eli?" I could tell he knew exactly what I wanted and he just wanted to tease me.

"Use your fingers on me," I managed to say.

He moved his mouth closer to my ear. "Does that mean I can't use my tongue?" He licked my ear as he slid his long index finger under the elastic of my underpants and into me and I arched off the bed at the feeling of him inside me.

"One step at a time," I said, my voice quivering as he slipped his finger out of me and over my clit.

"I've wanted to do this to you for so long," he said, his fingers making delicious circles over me. He usually didn't talk dirty to me while we were fooling around and his words made me head fall back in surprise. He latched onto my neck, and my murmurs grew into full on moans as he kept touching me.

For the first time, I wasn't uncomfortable that Eli had experience because his fingers moved over me expertly. My back arched unconsciously and he took my nipple into his mouth.

He started kissing down my stomach and I tensed up. "Eli, don't…"

He reversed directions, leaving a trail of kisses back up through the valley of my breasts and back up to my lips. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Are you sure this is okay?"

I was about to nod since I didn't trust myself to be able to speak, when his finger moved over me in just the right way, and I let out the loudest, most embarrassing moan ever.

Eli grinned. "Tell me how you really feel."

"Shut. Up." I grunted. He picked up the pace and my whole body felt like it was shaking. "Oh, Eli."

Part of me wanted to wipe the smug look off his face, but most of me was so overcome by the pleasure sweeping through my body that I just lost myself in the feeling, letting out moans so big that they were practically screams. It felt so good I couldn't imagine anything that could feel better and then with one final shout, I released, my body rising off the bed.

The memory of my first orgasm brought a blush to my face and I realized I was a little turned on. I guessed it was about time to try to replicate that feeling without Eli.

I sat down on my bed, feeling really stupid. Should I get undressed? My mother should have been asleep by now, but the chances of her walking in were still higher than I would have liked.

I pulled back the covers and decided to change into a tank top and just leave my underwear on. By the time I got undressed and climbed into bed, my nerves had taken over and my arousal from my earlier memory was almost gone.

I decided to take Holly J's advice and I grabbed my laptop and turned off the overhead light. I opened the text file I kept in My Documents folder with the name "cookie recipe" where I kept a list of URLs of the naughtiest fanfiction stories I enjoyed. Most of them were rated M, which I wasn't really even supposed to be reading and they were way too sexy for me to save to my favorites.

I started reading and before long I could feel myself getting a little excited. I reached up my tank top and started touching my breasts. It was a little weird at first, but my body was definitely responding to my touch.

I felt a little bit creepy reading dirty fanfiction. It was one thing to read it and feel a little excited, but to actually use it while I – well, I just felt really weird. For the first time, I kind of wished I still had that vibrator from freshman year. It probably would make this awkward situation a little easier if not more comfortable.

Ugh. I leaned back against my pillows. I knew it would defeat the purpose, but I wished Eli was here with me. He always made me feel so sexy and comfortable with myself. I wished I could call him and try to get him to talk dirty to me, but I wasn't sure I really wanted him to know what I was doing anyway. Plus with the food poisoning, I was pretty sure he wasn't exactly going to be in the mood.

What would Eli do if he were in this situation? I laughed, realizing that I knew exactly what Eli would do. I had walked in on him one time, when I showed up without calling after I had a fight with my mother and Cece let me in and sent me upstairs. I found Eli sitting on his bed, penis in hand, watching porn on his laptop.

Fortunately, it wasn't too early in our relationship so I had already done that to him myself and though we were both really embarrassed, we decided to just go with the flow and I finished what he started.

I hadn't really looked at internet porn before. I had seen it obviously, but I had never sought it out. But I had used Eli's computer enough to know what some of the sites were since he never remembered to clear his internet history, and they'd come up in the dropdown of the address bar as I tried to go to normal sites.

I typed in one of the sites and a second after I hit enter, a huge moan came out of my speakers. I quickly muted the volume, and I held my breath, hoping the sound wouldn't wake my mother. I grabbed my headphones from my ipod and plugged them in once I was confident she hadn't woken up.

I quickly realized that porn was not made for women. Everything was fake breasts and blow jobs and in a lot of ways, it was practically a turn off to watch this. I was about to give up when I clicked on a video of a couple having sex. They seemed a lot more realistic and in a lot of ways, it looked like what I imagined Eli and I looked like together.

Something about the familiarity of the situation made me feel more comfortable and I decided it was time to go for it. I slipped my underwear off and started to touch myself the way that Eli usually did it for me. I couldn't reach inside myself as well as he usually did, but I focused on my clit, circling it gently as I watched the guy go down on the girl on the screen. Her moans filled my ears and my breathing increased. I tugged on my breast with my other hand.

It was starting to feel really nice. As I tried different things to see what felt best, I realized that in a lot of ways, as talented as Eli was, he often lucked into the right thing. With me in control, I could really focus on what felt best, going at the right pace or the right pressure. With Eli sometimes I'd get frustrated when he was doing something that felt really good, and then switched it to something that didn't work as well, but I wasn't having that problem at all. I'd sometimes try to use my moans to send him a message rather than just enjoying what he was doing naturally.

The couple on the screen was having sex and the girl was on top of the guy. Eli and I had never tried it like that before, and it looked really fun. But I wasn't really concentrating on the video too much because I could tell I was getting close. I never thought I would have trouble keeping myself from making noises without Eli in the room but I had to bite my lip to make sure no moans escaped.

I increased my pace and I could feel my swollen clit under my finger. Each pass I made only got me closer and closer until finally I exploded with the most intense orgasm I had ever had. I kept touching myself, decreasing the pressure a little since I was so sensitive and I was surprised when another wave crashed over me. I tried for another but I was starting to feel a bit tender, so I stopped and fell back against my pillow.

Wow.

Now I got why people would do this. It felt amazing being with Eli but this definitely seemed to serve a different purpose.

The couple on the screen seemed to be nearing the end if their screams and grunts were any indication, but I didn't really care about them anymore, so I closed the window and pulled my headphones out, making sure to go back in and clear any trace that I had been there.

I decided I should probably go to bed since it was really late, and I pulled my underwear back on and put on a pair of shorts. I climbed back into bed and tried to calm down enough to sleep. I felt simultaneously wiped out and energized by the feeling.

My phone vibrated on my nightstand and I giggled a little bit. I saw it was Eli and picked up.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?"

He groaned. "I've been lying on the bathroom floor for the past two hours. There's nothing left in my stomach but my body hasn't seemed to figure out that yet."

"Poor thing."

"I just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

"Yeah, Holly J drove me home; it wasn't a problem."

Eli paused. "Are you okay? You sound a little out of breath."

If he had any idea… "I just ran downstairs to get a glass of water."

"I wish you were here. We only have a few nights before school starts."

"Well, if you feel better tomorrow, I'll come over," I said.

"My parents are going to be out really late tomorrow," he said, a little suggestively for a guy who was so ill.

"Well, then you better get well."

"What will you do to me if I'm better?"

I laughed. "Oh, Eli, you have no idea."


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**This story is now complete! I hope you like it.**

**I know I'm going to get a bunch of reviews that ask me to continue it. I don't really write long chapter stories, because I don't really have plotlines. I'd rather write a ton of oneshots. So I won't continue this story, but there will be plenty more things from me in the future.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob**

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Chapter 3

Eli's parents decided not to go out that next night, so by the time I was alone with Eli, I had spent way more time than I ever would have imagined "practicing" and thought I had a pretty good handle on what worked for me. Getting the courage to do that in front of Eli was another story.

But when Eli took my clothes off within five minutes of kissing me and thrust his fingers inside me about four times before announcing I was ready, I realized that if I wanted to enjoy this, I was going to have to take control.

He reached over to his nightstand to grab a condom, but I pushed down on his chest, so he was lying on his back. "Let me get this," I said, trying to put on a brave front.

Eli's eyebrows raised and he folded his arms behind his head. "Yes, ma'am."

I ignored him and focused on my task. I ripped open the foil package with only a little bit of difficulty and rolled it onto him, squeezing the air out of the tip like I had seen him do before. He started to get up but I stilled him again, throwing one leg over his and straddling his waist.

The look of surprise on his face was evident. I had never taken control when we got physical. When we had sex in the past, he always got on top and even the first time I gave him a blowjob was at his gentle suggestion. He never pressured me but I had never gotten over my fears enough to take the lead.

But I guessed that was going to change tonight. I gripped him in my hand as I sank down on top of him. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but I went slowly and soon he was all the way inside me.

"Clare," he whispered as he gazed at my naked body. I blushed at how exposed I was. He pulled me down to him and kissed me, as he started to thrust gently into me. I moved my hips against him experimentally. It did feel pretty nice in this position, but I knew it wasn't quite going to be enough.

I felt like I was crushing him, so I held myself up on my forearms. This left my breasts dangling in his face and he sucked my left nipple into his mouth while he cupped the other. I let out a low moan at the feeling and thought that while he was distracted I might as well give this a shot.

I moved my hand down to where we were joined. There wasn't an easy way to get in there without him noticing and I couldn't quite reach so I sat up straight in his lap. He watched in wonder as I reached down and started stroking my clit.

"Oh my God, Clare, that's so fucking hot." His head fell back against the pillow.

His hips started moving faster against mine, but I was having trouble getting leverage against him. My legs were too short to raise myself off him. I growled in frustration. I tried to lay down against him and keep touching myself but it was too awkward.

I pulled my hand out from between us, stopped moving against him, and buried my face in his shoulder, totally embarrassed. I thought this was going to be the key to having amazing sex with Eli, but clearly I just had no idea what I was doing.

Eli ran his fingers through my hair. "Baby, what's wrong?"

I kept my face against him, not wanting to see the look on his face. "It didn't work," I mumbled.

Eli pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Do you want to try something new?"

"I guess." I felt like a baby, pouting because I couldn't get my way, even with my boyfriend's penis inside me.

"First, come here." He pulled my face up to his and kissed me. It started off slow and soft but as it went on we got more and more passionate, our tongues stroking each other deeply. He thrust into me a few times before he grabbed my hips and pulled out of me.

I managed to get off him and sit beside him without hurting him and he sat up and grabbed both of his pillows. He piled them on top of each other in front of me, and moved so that he was kneeling behind me. Eli's arms wrapped around my body and he took my breasts in his hands. He pressed his lips to the back of my neck and kissed down my spine, moving me until I was lying on my stomach against the pillows. He placed one last kiss on my butt cheek, and gripped my hips in his hands.

"Clare, is this okay?" he asked as he placed himself at my entrance.

"Mmm hmm," I mumbled. I wasn't really sure how this worked but Holly J had said she liked this position so maybe there was something to it.

He moved inside me and I could see why this was so appealing. He entered me more deeply than he had before and we both moaned at the feeling. I didn't like that I couldn't kiss him, but his hands made up for it, moving over my hips and back and breasts as he moved gently.

Eli groaned, "I don't know how long I'm going to last like this."

He increased the pace and I met his thrusts with fervor. He reached underneath me and tugged on my nipple with more force than usual. "Clare, touch yourself for me. I want to feel you come on my cock."

I normally felt uncomfortable when Eli cursed, but during sex, his dirty words turned me on. I reached underneath myself, the pillows supporting my arm. In this position I had a lot of room and I moaned when my fingers met my wet clit.

"Oh, Eli," I whimpered, and he moved faster against me. I sped up my movements and I couldn't believe the noises that were coming out of my mouth. I could tell from my experiments that I was getting really close. Sex had never felt anywhere near this good before. Now I understood why people got so obsessed over it.

"Fuck, Eli, you feel so good." I didn't think that word had ever escaped my lips before but in this moment, there was nothing else that applied.

"God, Clare…" Eli didn't complete his thought but it didn't matter because he thrust into me in just the right way and I screamed as my orgasm shook my body. I tensed around him and he followed right after me with a groan.

I collapsed onto the pillow as he pulled out of me and grabbed a tissue from his nightstand. He threw out the condom and lay down next to me. He tugged on the pillow. "Can we share?"

I giggled and pulled the pillows out from under me so we could lie down properly. Normally after sex, I tried to get my clothes back on immediately, but I was feeling a little dizzy and I was perfectly content to lie naked in Eli's arms.

"What was that?" Eli asked, tickling my side.

"What do you mean?" I giggled, pushing his hand away.

"I mean, you look like my girlfriend, and you sound like her, and…" He buried his face in my neck. "Yup, you smell like her…but you just got on top of me and you fucking masturbated while riding my cock, and don't get me wrong, it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen, but where did that come from?"

I looked down and noticed my blush spreading from my cheeks all the way down my chest. "I don't know."

He grabbed my hand. "Clare, talk to me."

I bit my lip. It was one thing to do something to make the sex better but it was another to tell him why I needed to do that. "I can't tell you."

Eli's face was full of concern. "Clare…we've been together for months, we love each other, and we just had the most amazing sex ever and that includes all the dreams I've had of you. You can tell me anything."

I was quiet for a minute, trying to figure out how to explain it. "It's just…ever since we started having sex, you've been so…excited. And I'm glad you enjoy it so much, but we used to spend hours kissing and touching each other, and while I like having sex with you, I kind of missed foreplay."

Eli looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. You're right, though. I was so surprised when you wanted to have sex with me and so happy that we keep doing it that I've been rushing you. I keep thinking you're going to change your mind and if I can just show you how great it is, you'll want to keep sleeping with me."

I laughed. "Eli, I'm not going to change my mind. But that's sort of the problem. It hasn't exactly been great for me." Eli's face fell and I rushed to explain. "Please, don't get upset, it has been really sweet and romantic and loving and intimate and I love being with you. It just hasn't really worked as well for me as well as it did when you'd finger me or go down on me." My voice lowered at the end of my sentence. Even when I was trying so hard to be brave, it was still difficult for me to talk about this kind of thing.

Eli covered his face with his hands. "I'm such an idiot. I knew you weren't getting there, but I didn't even realize… I should have been more sensitive. I'll make it up to you, I swear. If it doesn't happen from sex, we'll try it another way. And I promise to spend more time worshipping your body like you deserve before we have sex."

I pulled his hands from his face and held them in mine. "I appreciate that."

Eli always had a cocky smirk on his face, so seeing him looking so wounded was both unusual and worrisome. "Did you at least enjoy tonight?"

I grinned. "I did. It felt really good."

"And at the end? You weren't faking, right? Because it seemed like you…"

I cut Eli off. "I did! I would never fake it with you."

Eli smiled and brushed my bangs back off my forehead. "Did you like being on top? And when I did you from behind?"

I moved my head against his chest so I didn't have to look at him. "Yeah."

"I feel bad that I never suggested we try different things before. Missionary can be fun, but it's not my favorite. I just thought you'd be too shy to try anything else."

I rolled my eyes. "I think I've proved that the Saint Clare moniker no longer applies. You can suggest anything you want." I stuck my tongue out at him. "I'm still going to do whatever I want."

He grinned, probably remembering the first time I said that to him, months before we even started dating. "Oh, I've got so many ideas. I can't wait to try them all out with you."

He kissed me and my eyes fluttered shut. "Not tonight," I teased.

"Next time then," Eli said, kissing my forehead. "We'll figure this out together."

I entwined my fingers in his and gave him another kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he whispered.


End file.
